Act 2 Scene 1 Hamlet: The Present Day "White Girl"

If Hamlet's Act 2 Scene 1 was written in modern day language, it would be rather amusing so I'm going to translate it....

Ophelia: Oh my God, Dad I'm so scared!
Polonius: Chill, what happened?
Ophelia: I was on tumblr on my computer in my room and my bae came in.
His jacket was unzipped (omg can you believe that??) and he didn't even have his snapback on! His socks were kinda messed up and he had some weird 50-shades-of-gray-like chains on.
He really needed a spray tan or blush or something, and his knees were moving like he was doing the Elvis dance, but he looked so crazy and he was just trying to gossip to me!
Polonius: Damn he must want you.
Ophelia: Idk but I kinda hope so but I'm kinda scared too.
Polonius: What he say?
Ophelia: He looked like the girl in the Exorcist, flailing around and grabbing my arm and falling everywhere. Then he just walked out.
Polonius: I'm going to text the King, he must want you so bad that he's intoxicated with love. Damn he's desperate for you. I'm sorry to hear that. Were you mean to him?
Ophelia: No, but I blocked him on my phone.
Polonius: That must've done it.

When Ophelia is describing his outfit it sounds like Mr. Klein telling someone that they're not in dress code because the things she describes about his outfit are so insignificant but I guess it was a big deal back then. I wish they modernized this play and Ophelia was the "common white girl". It sounds as stupid as a middle school romance, and I think it's hilarious that Hamlet's like possessed by this ghost and Ophelia and Polonius think it's because he wants her so bad. I wonder how she'll act if she ever finds out that he's only acting this way because he's seen a ghost.
Maybe she secretly wants him......